Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Rambling

This post will come as a complete surprise to those that might ever check this blog, but I have the urge to write, and feel like this is a better fit than my photography blog.  Blogging used to be such an outlet for me, almost like a diary, where I chronicled the good, the bad and sometimes even the ugly.  Let's be honest, the blog world is FULL of the good, so much so that it's often very deflating to a busy mom that feels like all she does is shuttle kids everywhere and is doing good if everyone's fed and in bed before 11, and then sits down to work or starts laundry. 

Add to the blog world, pinterest, where everyone is so stinkin' creative and their kids rooms are amazing, and oh by the way, they also do fun crafts everyday.  I don't know about you, but that is nothing like my life.  I would love to waste away hours on pinterest, but honestly never get on it unless I'm stuck waiting somewhere with cell service.  Sure, there are great ideas, but honestly, I like being original and having things others haven't seen.  With Pinterest, everyone I know has already seen it.  BUT, this has nothing to do with why I started writing tonight!! 

Sometimes, I crave the anonymity that I used to have on my blog.  I admit that I spent way too much time thinking of blogging, etc., but it was also a great release for me.  Now that I blog primarily on my photography blog, it's almost never about me or my family.  I think about it all of the time, but it rarely comes to fruition because I feel like I owe that space to my clients, and if I have time to blog then it should be pretty pictures.  I also second guess everything I type there.  I'm a pleaser at heart, and Lord forbid I write something that turns someone off.  It was so much easier when the things I said didn't affect a business that affects our livelihood as a family.  I am SO thankful for my photography business, and seriously amazed at all that has happened over the past 4 years.  I never would've dreamed that me signing up for a night class to learn how to use my camera would result in all that it has. 

Last Wednesday night at church a question was asked about what person did you realize you'd been missing out on once they came into your life (or something to that effect).  A few select people came to mind that have become lifelong friends over the past several years, and then a slew of clients came to mind.  I've met so many people through my wonderful job that I never would've met before.  I almost always end up finding a small connection to them in the world which is so crazy, and I'm telling the truth when I say for the most part, I have been nothing but blessed by them!  Of course, it's still a business and there are bumps in the road, but I count myself so lucky to be on this ride.  The funny thing is that another part of the Bible study was about believing that something was a part of God's plan for you and then after it was over (or as it was happening), you realize maybe it wasn't HIS plan at all, but just yours.  As much as I love what I do, I often find myself wondering that about this path that I'm on.  I adore what I do, and honestly couldn't imagine ever going back to a corporate desk job, but this job is also very stressful.  There is a very not fun part of photography that involves me sitting at a desk almost every spare hour of the day, and friends, it's exhausting.  A big big part of that is me learning to say no and to stick to my guns and to realize that time with my family is more important than the extra gig.  It's a hard lesson to learn and an even harder one to remember in the moment.  It's always, "well, just one more" or "just for this one client" and on and on and on until I find myself with no days off and lots of late nights/early mornings at my desk. 

And, y'all, my kids are growing up too fast, and it is killing me.  Everytime I think about them having another birthday, my heart rate accelerates and I feel a little panicked.  I feel like time is slipping through my fingers so quickly, and I just want to soak it all in!  In an ideal world, I'd some super organized mom who can do it all and keep her cool, but I am not that woman!  The stress of this job has made me someone I don't want to be.  Someone that is tired, quick tempered and honestly not so nice to those people that are closest to me. I know that time is running out to make those lasting impressions and the memories that my children will recall decades from now, and it scares me to death that they'll be ugly ones and not happy ones.  I'm not sure that all of this means that photography wasn't a part of God's plan.  Actually, I am quite certain that it was.  But, I also feel a strong tug at my heart to get things under control and in balance and quickly before I miss some of the most precious times in my life.  And so, I'm praying.  Praying for guidance and strength as I attempt to make some changes and stand firm in what I know needs to happen in my life...and you know maybe that I could be that calm, cool, collected, crafty momma too!  can't hurt!






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